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Sex

The Secret to Making Scheduled Sex Work

How a sex therapist feels about scheduled sex

Key points

  • Life’s complexities can create challenges in one's sex life and lead to less sex than desired. 
  • Scheduled sex increases stress and lowers the sex drive. Skip the scheduled sex and focus on communication and setting the mood.
  • Quality time is important. It means putting your phone down, ending your workday, and engaging in affection with your partner.
Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay
Source: Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

If you and your partner are having trouble finding time to have sex, please don’t think you are alone. Not to fret, I have a great recipe for you, and it all starts with skipping the stress of scheduling sex! Couples regularly find themselves in this position.

Many couples experience sexual blocks such as mixed libidos, busy schedules, and exhaustion, all of which lead to challenges in finding time to have sex. To add to the complexities, most couples want sex at different times. As a Sex Therapist, I often hear that one partner desires sex in the morning, while the other prefers it in the evening. Myriad life’s complexities can create challenges in your sex life and lead to less sex than desired.

Sex is important! Whether you are having sex with yourself or sex with a partner, it is a major factor for your overall well-being. To name a few positives, sex helps reduce stress, improves your mood, and strengthens the emotional connection between you and your partner. Some of the most common challenges couples have together are finding time to have sex and wanting sex at the same time! There has been a lot of buzz about why “scheduled sex” is the best way around this challenge, but I have an issue with this.

Just because you are having sex doesn’t mean it is good sex! Who wants sex when they feel it is a task on their “To Do” list? I have said repeatedly that the number one killer of our libido is stress! Pressure to have sex at a given time increases this stress, and this stress increase can, in turn, really decrease pleasure. After all, pleasure is the whole point of sex! We are already so stressed out from daily tasks and expectations. Add to this a scheduled expectation of sex, and most subjected couples often report having bad sex.

If you and your partner need to get your sex life back on track, there is a better way, and I have a few tips for you!

1. The Sex Talk

Communication. Communication. Communication. Share with your partner that you want to feel closer to them. Tell them how you enjoy being intimate with them. State the positives in the relationship and your sex life. In this conversation, share the realities of what you are feeling. Sex is a vulnerable topic, be compassionate and share all the sexy things you enjoy!

2. Skip the Scheduled Sex Part

Instead of creating a time for penetrative sex, schedule intimate time together. In today’s multitasking world, we must delineate between quality time together and just time together. Quality time means putting your phone down, ending your workday, and engaging in affection with your partner. Make your partner feel like they are your world. These actions are the building blocks of trust and vulnerability and can lead to physical and emotional intimacy.

3. Set the Mood

What you see is how you feel. While you are spending this quality time with your partner, set the mood. Declutter the room, turn the lights down, prepare some aphrodisiacs, wear what makes you feel sexy, and enjoy the moment.

Sex falls into place when we feel the most relaxed and emotionally safe with our partner. Engage in the moment.

It is important to note that there is no “normal” number of times per week you should be having sex. Don’t listen to how many times your friends are having sex or how many times Google recommends. The people in the relationship set a sexual frequency range. There will be times when you may be having more sex than others. This is normal. That’s ok! The people in the relationship define healthy sex life.

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