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Why It Is Important to Draw a Relationship Identity

The unique combination of preferences and choices in a romantic relationship.

Key points

  • By embracing our relationship identity, we can cultivate relationships that align with our true selves.
  • Relationship identity showcases the preferences and dynamics that contribute to our unique characters.
  • Choosing singlehood should be respected and validated, like any other relationship choice.
Source: Trinity Kubassek/Pexels
Source: Trinity Kubassek/Pexels

Many people ask about their lack of passionate feelings toward potential partners, wondering why they don't experience the same level of love intensity as others. Others question why they feel a stronger need for personal space in their relationships compared to their friends. Still others say they don't want a romantic relationship at all. They are just afraid to disappoint their social surroundings if they don't have a relationship.

To answer these questions, we must adopt a new concept—"relationship identity"—which encompasses individuals' unique combinations of preferences and choices within a romantic relationship. It recognizes that relationships are diverse and personal, varying from individual to individual based on their needs, values, and desires.

Relationship identity acknowledges that individuals possess autonomy and agency, allowing them to define and shape their romantic connections according to their preferences. It recognizes that what may work for one couple may not suit another, emphasizing the importance of mutual understanding, communication, and respect for each partner's preferences. In other cases, people might prefer not to have a relationship at all, which is their relationship identity.

Why Identity?

In the context of relationships, the term "identity" holds significant importance as it encompasses the essence of who we are as individuals within the context of our romantic connections. It refers to the unique combination of characteristics, preferences, values, and desires that shape our experience and expression of love, intimacy, and partnership.

Understanding and embracing our relationship identity is crucial for building fulfilling and authentic connections. It allows us to recognize and honor our individuality, needs, and boundaries while also considering the needs and boundaries of our partners, if we choose to have ones. By acknowledging and embracing our relationship identity, we can cultivate relationships that align with our true selves and foster a sense of fulfillment, happiness, and emotional well-being.

When individuals question why they don't feel the same level of passion toward potential partners or why they require more personal space in relationships compared to others, they are essentially exploring their relationship identity. The argument here is that they are seeking to understand and define the unique combination of preferences and characteristics that contribute to their romantic experiences.

Recognizing one's relationship identity empowers individuals to make informed choices and establish relationships that authentically align with their needs and values. It allows for honest and open communication with partners, creating a foundation of understanding, respect, and growth. Embracing our relationship identity also encourages self-reflection and self-acceptance, as we continually explore and define our desires and boundaries in the realm of romantic connections.

It is essential to remember that there is no universally "right" or "wrong" relationship identity. Instead, it is a deeply personal and individual aspect of our lives. Each person's relationship identity is valid and deserving of understanding, acceptance, and support. By honoring our relationship identity, we pave the way for healthier and more fulfilling connections, fostering an environment of mutual respect, love, and growth between partners.

Here are some examples of relationship identity questions:

  • Open relationships and non-monogamy: Some individuals may opt for open relationships as part of their relationship identity, which entails engaging in consensual romantic or sexual connections with others outside the primary partnership. Open relationships acknowledge the possibility of developing additional emotional or physical connections beyond the primary relationship, emphasizing trust, honesty, and clear boundaries.
  • Sleeping arrangements: Sleeping arrangements are an intimate aspect of relationship identity. Despite what is usually portrayed in movies, some couples may prefer to sleep in separate rooms, valuing personal space and undisturbed rest. This choice acknowledges the importance of individual needs for quality sleep, privacy, and relaxation. Conversely, others may find comfort in sharing a bed, fostering physical closeness and emotional connection.
  • Personal space and mental freedom: Greater mental space within a relationship recognizes the importance of individuality and independence. It involves allowing each partner the freedom to pursue personal interests, hobbies, and friendships. Respecting personal boundaries and providing space for individual growth and self-expression enhances a relationship's health and longevity.
  • Mealtime practices: Mealtime preferences reflect the intricate dynamics of relationship identity. Some couples may choose to eat together at least once a day, valuing shared experiences, conversation, and the bonding that occurs during meals. Conversely, others may prefer to have meals separately, recognizing the need for independence in culinary choices or schedules. Both approaches can be valid and contribute to relationship satisfaction.
  • Travel preferences: Relationship identity encompasses varying preferences regarding travel, including destinations, frequency, and travel styles. This aspect recognizes that couples may have different levels of wanderlust or desire for adventure. For example, some people thrive on adrenaline-inducing activities with their partners. They may enjoy exploring remote locations together, engaging in outdoor sports, or embarking on spontaneous travel experiences that challenge their comfort zones. This is while others may prefer serene and peaceful travel experiences, prioritizing relaxation, spa retreats, or calm destinations. They may seek tranquility and quality time together or alone, choosing destinations that offer a slower pace and opportunities for rejuvenation.
  • Intimacy and affection: Relationship identity also acknowledges the unique ways in which couples express and experience intimacy and affection within their relationship. This aspect encompasses various preferences, widely known now as love languages. For example, some people prioritize physical touch as a primary love language, expressing affection through cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and frequent physical contact. Others place importance on verbal expressions of love and appreciation. They may frequently express their affection through compliments, kind words, and supportive messages.
  • Leisure activities and interests: Relationship identity also recognizes that couples may have different leisure activities and interests, allowing space for individual hobbies and shared pursuits. Some couples may engage in separate hobbies that align with their individual passions and interests. This fosters personal growth and provides opportunities for each partner to pursue their unique talents and desires. This is while others may have shared hobbies and interests that they enjoy doing together.
  • Choosing singlehood: Choosing singlehood is a significant aspect of relationship identity. It represents a conscious decision to prioritize personal independence and self-fulfillment without engaging in a committed romantic partnership. Embracing singlehood as part of one's relationship identity can be a valid and empowering choice that allows individuals to explore and fulfill their goals, passions, and desires. In this way, singlehood provides an opportunity for self-reflection, self-discovery, and personal growth. It allows individuals to focus on themselves, their interests, and their own development without the added responsibilities and compromises that come with a romantic partnership. Instead, they can invest time and energy in building a strong support system, nurturing meaningful friendships, and engaging in activities that bring them joy and fulfillment. Thus, choosing singlehood as part of one's relationship identity should be respected and validated, just as any other relationship choice.

It is important to recognize that everyone's journey is unique, and not everyone desires or thrives in a “one-size-fits-all” way. By adopting the concept of relationship identity, we further emphasize the diversity and complexity of our lives. It showcases the multitude of preferences, choices, and dynamics that contribute to the unique character of every person. Understanding and embracing this diversity allows for more inclusive and fulfilling relationships that honor and celebrate our individuality.


Relationship identity encapsulates the amalgamation of preferences that shape and define a romantic connection. By recognizing the significance of individual autonomy and personal desires, individuals can create relationships that align with their unique needs and values. Whether it involves open relationships, personalized sleeping arrangements, mental space, or mealtime practices, relationship identity underscores the importance of communication, respect, and understanding between partners and between an individual and society. By embracing and celebrating the diversity of relationship preferences, we foster a more inclusive and accepting society, where individuals can cultivate relationships that truly resonate with their authentic selves.

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